boring?

Thought I'd give you a quick update on what is happening in this interesting life of mine (and by interesting, I mean almost entirely the same day in and day out).

1. My resolve to not spend money lasted two weeks.  And then I caved - aided by the pageant I hosted and was involved in.  "But I need to look good on stage!"  Yeah, big mistake.  Back to the no-spend rule.  Best purchase was easily the new Muse album, The 2nd Law.  RUN AND GET IT.

2. Speaking of the pageant, it was MUOT, the one that I actually did win way back when.  I was lucky enough to help a really pretty and awesome girl, and what do you know... she won!  It's going to be so fun to watch her continue to grow and progress.  She is easily the hardest worker I know, so I have no doubt that come August she will be a true contender.  Plus she's just really sweet.

{photo stolen shamelessly from the Missy Teen Utah facebook page, almost assuredly taken by Mr. Chad Braithwaite of Faces Photography}

3. That whole moving thing?  I've decided to postpone it.  Until at least next September.  I'm good with that decision.  Save money and such. 

4. Work is going well.  Sometimes I actually don't suck at my job, and those are nice times.  You can check out the Fashion Place facebook page once a week to see who I've styled and which trends I'm highlighting for the week. 

5. Last, but almost best of all, I leave for the big D-Land in 10 days!  Looooots of this going on!

Mazel Tov!

lullaby.

There's this really amazing girl that I know.  I haven't known her for very long, and there's a lot that I don't fully understand, but there's something about her that is inviting and unique and special.  And it makes me want to beam and protect her and brag and pray that only good things happen in her life.  She has this way of running through life, not running past it - away from the scary things - but running in between each crevice and around each square inch and through all of nature's appendages in order to feel all there is to offer, good and bad.

Don't ask me how I've realized this despite only knowing her for about six or seven weeks. Sometimes we just have senses about people, right?

In so many ways I look at her and I want to see a reflection of my past.  I want to see the immense similarities, and I want to revel in the joy of who I was and who she is and who I am and who she will be.  But instead I see someone so much stronger, and so much happier, and so much more put together in each and every way a young woman can be.  She is kind and intelligent, sweet and talented, funny and beautiful.  She is burdened as we all can be, but she handles it with grace and wit.  I wish I had been like her.  I wish I'd been as capable and able to get through the tough stuff, recognizing that there were greater things at work.  I gave in to the pain and the urges and I slept and slept and slept.  And I ran away from so many things.  She embraces it and sleeps for a few hours, but then wakes up and works and works and works.  And I'm pretty sure she'll always run at everything with all the faith she can muster.

She gets to run at something this weekend, and I have no doubt that she'll jump over each ledge and get up if she stumbles down a little and finish, maybe a little sweaty, but certainly successful.  What's so great about it is knowing that the success doesn't rest upon a win.  Because even though she's almost nine years younger than me, I feel stronger after working with her for the last six weeks.  Knowing that she's going to leave this weekend as a more altruistic and sincere being gives me great hope, not only in the power that the youth have, but in the realization that it's never too late to become a better person.

So thank you, Miss Piano Goddess Extraordinaire for teaching me far more than I've attempted to teach you.  If this is all you've accomplished in six weeks then I am excited to see who you will grow to be.  And even though you need none of it, good luck my dear.

inflect.

When I was 14 years old I started journaling, without any sort of lock or password, on LiveJournal.  I don't remember how I found it or why I even started doing it, but it's fun (and funny) for me to look back on who I was 14 and a half years ago, and what I thought of the world around me, and who I was trying and hoping to be.  My story at fourteen is sort of a strange one, because I turned fourteen in California with my mom in this little house with a garage that didn't really work and a life away from the one I had felt more comfortable with.  In fact, I even went to an Art's high school.  It doesn't always feel like that was me - the nerdy girl with blondish hair and bad teeth and really long, lurpy limbs.  Who went by Jenny (or was it Jennie at that time?  I could never make up my mind).  And glasses.  That was an important factor.  One of my best friends at that high school was ALSO named Jennie G.  So I was Jennie G. with glasses.

The next year I moved to Utah and became Jen and got contacts and quit it with the blonde highlights.

But at OCHSA (Orange County High School of the Arts) I was awkward and strange and was lucky enough to have Mrs. Todd as my English teacher who taught me how nice it was to have a notebook and a pen with which things could be resolved... or at least understood a little bit better.

Maybe it seems strange to you, but when I had that pen and that little hardcover journal that I think had pale green stripes, I felt like the pen gave me a way to connect to home.  There's a little piece of me that still wants to connect to that girl, the one who would run up the steps to her dance studio every day, and who would practice for hours (even if begrudgingly) at the piano, and who would live for the church activities on Tuesdays or Wednesdays (especially if it meant seeing a Mr. Alex Ohrn on whom I had a MAD crush forever).  Sometimes I see her living in a different dimension that's stuck in the year 2000 or 2001, happy and content with the humid summer changing into the fall leaves.  And I like to think that she's always happily doing developes and working on her turn out and learning more Bach and Chopin.

Because the girl who lived to see September 2001 lost a lot and never really got it back.

I don't like talking about that day because it makes me sick.  Literally.  It makes me feel things I don't like feeling.  Shame and depression and panic and anxiety.  It reminds me of my mom screaming and early morning seminary and family members who worked on Wall Street and being forced to go to school despite not speaking with those family members.  I also feel silly because it became this ridiculous cross I bore visibly every day at school: I wasn't willing to face the pain and agony of losing my identity back in Connecticut, and I certainly wasn't ready to look at what had just happened to my family, so I used a terrorist attack instead.  I looked at all of those tanned kids in California with what was certainly the same sort of fear I felt, and I hated them because of geographic location.  I despised the house in which I lived, and the school I attended, and that haughty anger became my coping mechanism.

Looking back, it was a dumb way to respond, but I've never been great when it comes to dealing with pain.  And yes, I have just managed to turn a national tragedy into something about me - sadly my narcissism knows few bounds.

These days I struggle with the openness with which everyone addresses it, not because I think I'm above anyone's form of grieving, but because I look at how much hatred still exists and how backwards we can be when it comes to other religions and ethnicities, and it sickens me almost as much as those smokey images do.  The way things were sensationalized are gross and even crude.  There have been movies made and politicizing and fear mongering and it makes me crazy.  There are literally millions of stories and perspectives with regard to that event, and to pretend that my life story is more important than someone else's, particularly one that lost a life, is selfish and unfair.

But then again, human suffering is kind of selfish and unfair, and regardless of how you were affected or where you were or how you remember it, it was a turning point.  For me it was a kind of cliched loss of innocence, as it made the numerous separations surrounding my situation more real and solid and tangible, and when the haze lifted, and I saw what the world was capable of, I began to really understand fear.

Luckily for me I had that pen and notebook.

only the young.

It's becoming a bit of a habit for me to write up a little blurb for my birthday, and let's face it, I love routine and tradition and nostalgia, but while the years before have been a little more humorous, I'm a little more subdued this week.  I'd blame it on old age, but seeing as the only thing I wanted for my birthday was the Bloomsbury Harry Potter set, I don't think that's it.  If anything, on this day upon which I hit that quarter of a century, I feel really young.

Recent events have had me quieter than usual, pondering how everything has come about and what my involvement has been, or in some cases hasn't been.

Yesterday was an exhausting day as I left Provo early in the morning with college friends and roommates to go help our college roommate and friend say goodbye to her beautiful and sweet husband.  His death isn't one I feel comfortable writing about, but I will say that it was tragic and happened far too soon for this world.  I sat marveling at the remembrance of such an extraordinary human being, and then marveled further at my friend's remarkable courage and strength.

I felt a lot of shame, too.  I've not always been the best sort of friend.  I don't always keep in touch, and sometimes I let my selfish desires get in the way, and there are times I'd rather be alone than cultivate those relationships.

It was humbling.

My 25th year was relatively easy.  I found a job that I love, made new relationships that I cherish, and rebuilt the support system that has been so integral to my functioning as a normal human being.  The mistakes I made were a little bit different than those I'd made before - to the extent where I feel as though I actually am beginning to grow up and be an adult.  In a lot of ways I feel as though I've come full circle.  My hopes used to be along the lines of finding a husband and making money and improving my makeup collection and learning how to do new things, and in a lot of ways I still hope for those things (although I don't have any room left for more makeup), but my desires for the year during which I say I'm 25 are different.

I'd like to become the person you can count on.  I want to be someone you can reach out to when you're troubled, or when you need a listening ear.  It means I need to stop talking so much, and I need to stop being so selfish, and I need to be a more charitable human being.  I want you to feel confident in your trust of me - that you know I will always be genuine and real.  I want to be more aware of my surroundings and those within the vicinity, that I can be an emotional force for good in the lives of those who might need it.

Don't you worry.  I'm not entirely just solemn today.  I bought myself new Pilates reformer classes and I got to help a girl for a pageant (and people, she's going to be a force to be reckoned with) and I ate a cupcake and I'm tempted to go take a nap and I get to see my unique and wonderful version of family later tonight.

Because in short, life is good.

news.

Nordstrom announced a full-line for Manhattan.  Coming to you and Columbus Circle (PERFECT LOCATION) in the year 2018.

Ugh.

It's not soon enough.

I need something NEXT year.

Friendsies, I think I'm gonna have to bail from this state soon.  My bf is having a baby, and I hate the thought of leaving her and future Jennifer the Second, and I would miss this house and its inhabitants oh so much, and the 8 minute door-to-door commute is pretty blissful, and holy cow Tina Christensen is my favorite boss in the world, and what would I do without Amy.

But this state is suffocating me a little.  And I know this is the longest build-up to a move in history, but I need to be held accountable to it, and what creates more accountability than a blog that may or may not have editing/deleting features?

Really though.  DC OR BUST.

{and the only place that would take precedence over the District is the City.  of course.}

It's obvious already that this little thing I'm writing is going to end up back on the cutting room floor when I come to my senses, but for right now I'm going to write it and let it be, because there's nothing else that will help me at this hour.

You've probably figured this out, but I'm better in larger groups of people.  With dancing or singing or writing and sharing details.  Not having to look you in the eye or see your responses to what I'm doing or saying or performing is preferred.  It means I can be open without seeing singular reaction.  You're a collective sort of you, therefore it's relatively safe.  I was that way as a kid when singing, I was that way when I was 12 each time I had to play that piano, and I'm that way as an adult when having to work through pain.

Sometimes life is so insanely hard.  We have to disappoint people who disappoint us and we're all just sad and hurt and disappointed and apparently I'm a bullet who ended up not hitting someone which ironically hurts me more than you.

Stick with me for a moment.

I'm a good person.  I care about people.  I want them to be happy and content and successful.  I work hard to keep people feeling good about themselves, and I do my very best to always be genuine.  So when I have to make the hard decision that breaks my heart, even when I know it might break someone else's, know it's not done out of malice.  It's done because I care too much to let bad feelings grow.

I'll be fine.  I've been here before.  3 years ago.  2 years ago.  I got through it then.  I'll get through it now.  But it feels different this time.  And I hate that.

Can someone find a way to bring Whitney home please?

sea of [tears salt love]

Ugh.  I am not allowed to stay up all night long as I did the other night, even if it is just playing Scum for six hours straight at a cabin in the woods with my little brother and his friends.  Because then it sets my entire schedule out of whack, and I can't sleep, and when I don't sleep I read, and when I read I find truth, and when I find truth I cry, and when I cry and I find truth I want to write, and then I want to write things that I cannot tell you.

My apologies.

There's so much I wish to speak about, rejoicing in events and expressing just how scared I am, mostly just so that I can share all of this with somebody in the only way that I really feel I'm competent.  Instead of telling you about some recent happenings that make my heart flutter and my muscles ache and my soul content, I'm going to keep my trap shut because I have to. Because I have made so much progress, and I've been so good, and I've done it all the right way... but I'm bursting here.

You wouldn't know me.  You'd be shocked, actually.  I've evolved a lot over the last few months into this strange person who feels really confident, and independent, and shockingly at peace with whatever happens.  That is, until it's 4:30 in the morning and hormones are probably to blame and suddenly I lose my security and just want to be in a different room in a different city just so that I can hear you breathe and watch your chest rise up and down while you sleep.

Am I making sense?  No?  Good.  Because none of this is supposed to.  Because I can't!

I mean, can you just buy me a damn penguin already so I can just be content with my current status and just let it be?

all of this is brought to you by Azar Nafisi and her stupid insistence that I find intelligence, and career, and once I feel like I've made a good showing there, find myself some love.  What if it doesn't want to find me back?!

if you wait for someone else's hand.

Unfortunately I am predictable, and possibly even a living cliche.  It's a bit depressing, really.  I'd give anything to be entirely against the grain and to be that individual who is always keeping you guessing... but I like my predictability.  I like pretty things and pretty music and pretty dancing and general, overall prettiness.  I like the things I've always enjoyed like music and dance and clothing and films and books, and I doubt I'll ever change.  It's why I always go back to what I know, particularly when I'm feeling down or uninspired or insecure.

In summation, I have had two really blissful, wonderful weekends with friends and loved ones who make me happy and keep me smiling and sometimes might even annoy me in all of the right ways.

And boy oh boy do I miss dance.

tales.

Sometimes after work I get really sleepy, and that gigantic bed that I have seems too inviting, and my junk drawer and never-ending supply of DP in the garage fridge provide adequate sustenance, and the computer and big screen on the wall keep me entertained... and I pass out.  At 8 pm.  Only to awake around 2 am with my contacts in and my clothing all on and makeup smears on the pillow and drool everywhere.

Yes, it's gross.  But when sleep happens, drool happens.  It is what it is.  

That is sort of what happened tonight.  But it was more along the lines of taking 6 ibuprofen so the pains in my tummy would go away, and sans food or drink, although I did watch an episode of PR: Allstars, in which Austin Scarlett was glorious.  Unfortunately I wasn't feeling so hot tonight, so Miss Amy (this amazing woman with whom I work who has also quickly become one of my dearest friends) and I couldn't go to the symphony.  She was supposed to be my date, but I had to bail, and now I'm a little sad about it.

This has very little purpose.

I've eaten too many fruit snacks to think or write coherently anymore.

Today one of our co-workers commented that I'm going to end up going off to some big city really soon and do amazing things.  I sure hope so.

But I'm going to love life while I'm here.  My friends, and my family, and my dog who snores so much I don't get any sleep, and my job, and my love for all things fattening create a pretty wonderful existence that I'm extraordinarily lucky to have.  So thanks for being a part of it.  You're all pretty neat and make my life a whole lot neater.

Neat!

mazel tov!

this is what I've been up to recently.

so no.

nothing too out of the ordinary.

look at your life, look at your choices.

The only prominent New Year's celebration I remember is when I was probably about 6 or 7 years old.  We had been living in Utah for a little while (this was in between Dallas and New Canaan), living in a condo in North Provo, up on the mountain above Timpview High School.  A lot of the memories I have surrounding that house involve really embarrassing things, like the time I harassed my brother Jim while he was on the phone with his fiance and got in BIG trouble from my dad, or the time I told my brother Erik's date she was ugly, or the first time I ever said the word bitch (how was I supposed to know what it meant?!).

Obviously I have an ability to remember the more traumatic moments in my life.  Like the game of Clue we had that New Year's Eve.

One of my brothers had to have said something to scare me so much.  Don't ask me why, but Clue freaked me out that night.  I was scared for my life as I was going to bed, thinking that Mr. Green was going to come find me and kill me with some non-traditional murder weapon, and that my remains would be stashed in some crawl space in the house that no one knew existed.

I think of this each time I play Clue.  And I've never told anyone.  Until now.  It feels like I'm unearthing what has been a burdensome secret.  Because if you can't say it at New Year's, when can you, eh?

As I was playing Clue the other night with the kiddos, I realized what I must have been like as a kiddo myself, trying to be a part of the older crowd around me.  My nieces and nephew seem so much younger than I was at their age, and maybe that's the commonplace thought we have as we grow older, this idea that surely we were much more mature or well-adjusted or behaved when "that age".  In my head I justify thinking this by reminding myself that I was surrounded by adults; my oldest sibling is 14 years older, so I've never really been in a family with children.  But then as I play with these really darling kids who sometimes play the piano too loud in the morning when I'm trying to sleep, I sincerely hope that I was just as naive and innocent as they are now.

It's fun to remember each passing year with a theme, because it's nice to succinctly argue the case for one's maturing.  I don't know if I have a theme anymore.  2009 was In Repair.  2010 was Golden Years. 2011 was... what?  Another song with a great melody?  A catchphrase to boost my good choices and gloss over my poor choices?  Let's see if I can find a common thread somewhere.

In January I took a giant step forward in my spiritual journey and progression, one that was completely my own, and one that wasn't even necessary.  I did it because I enjoy doing things on my own terms (but you all know this), and because it was absolutely the right thing to do.  I also kissed a friend who I will continue to kiss for life, because it is true love.

February was full of relapse and frustration.  Like I've said before, I hate February.

I won a crown in March.  That was neat.

April brought me a boy after a dance party.  It was very BYU, the way it all happened.

May was a whirlwind of road trips, plane rides, and insecurity, capped off with a resignation from what probably would have been a trip to Miss America after finally experiencing that weird and unsettling and intoxicating feeling of quite literally falling in love with someone.

June generated employment, which I now see as the second greatest blessing God gave me this year.  If it were not for that job I would have been stuck in the abyss of what happened in the middle of June, when I realized why I should not fall in love with people.  I also realized that even the people you love the most, and the people you give the most to will still fail you.

July sounded like Lady Gaga.  Also, no more radio show.  Sad, but sometimes you have to give your time to that which pays the bills.

August had pool parties and giant sleepovers in the party house and permanent employment and new roommates and new friends and girls in bikinis and boys in euro-shorts.

The coolest part of this second greatest blessing came to me in September.  I'm never content with mediocrity (despite what my abysmal blog has shown you this year) or stagnancy, so when the opportunity to be promoted came, I jumped at it.  Never would I have imagined myself in retail, and never would I have imagined myself as someone with style, but the opportunities keep on coming and I am one of those lucky people who can say she genuinely loves her job.  All because of a little interview with Mama Speters.

I was Black Swan in October.  That is all.  Actually, it's not.  I kissed one of my best friends, which wasn't really the smartest thing to do.  Whoops.  Oh well.  Still love him anyway.

I'm sure something cool happened in November, like some sort of life changing event, but all I can really think of right now is that I had a lot of really delicious turkey on Thanksgiving Day.  Oh yeah, I had to quit dancing.  That wasn't so cool.  But a necessary thing to do in order to be the person that I want to be.  Mike McShinsky is one of the best people I know - I'm a better person for the time I got to spend with him.  It was an honor, Michael.  Also, I think my addiction to Dr. Pepper hit full force in November.  No turning back.

So how's this last month been?  Long.  Hard.  Exhausting.  I gained some remarkable clients, have gone on more formal dates than the rest of the year all-together, went to Disneyland for 40 hours, bought a designer handbag (and no, not the low-end part of a label), and became less of a pansy and a little more bad A all around, mostly thanks to a well-timed haircut.  All of the above have been surrounded by a lot of family... a lot more family than I'm used to, and it's been so wonderful.

You know what?  This may be the first time that I don't regret anything I did this year.  I mean, maybe I regret some of the nights I ate Taco Bell instead of Del or all of the Mr. Pibb I had to drink instead of Dr. Pepper because my employer doesn't carry any.  And I did regret a couple of purchases, but I rectified those by returning them.  Outside of that, I look at my life, and I look at my choices (I see what I did there!) and I'm really content with how I've allowed some things to happen to me and how I've taken charge when things got a little too far outside of my control.

2011 started really well, and it took a couple of sharp nose dives, but I managed to find ways to pull it all off eventually.  Lots of tears and fruit snacks were needed, and I became really grateful for a temple recommend.  But mostly I see the common thread of what I know without doubt or insecurity: I have faith in a loving God who enables us with multiple pathways, many of which are good ones.  I've been allowed to choose my path, and while some of my choices have been rash, I'd like to believe that even though I'm not always the person I want to be, God knows my heart and what my end game is.  And helps me to get there.

In many ways I'm just trying to do what I knew to be true as a little girl - move with faith knowing that I'm loved and cared for.  Hopefully my nieces and nephews have the chance to learn that, too, because even the young and innocent deserve to see where faith can take you through the years.

A toast to more water drinking, gym going, sleep acquiring, Brandon Flowers' listening, money making, and spiritual training in 2012.

Cheers.

oh Hi!

Loooooooong week.  Yes, I work retail, and yes it's exhausting sometimes, and yes I wore 5-inch heels for far too long all week.  But it was a good week, and for all of my complaining once 11:00 pm came and I was STILL at work, I know that I'm a lucky gal.  Got to do some really amazing things, and made some cool new friends, and wrote some fun pieces that might open up a new branch of what I do at work.

Spoke on the phone with someone tonight about how we are never content, for whatever reason, whether it's from society or in our genes or our desire to have pretty clothes and cars and houses.  But it never ends, does it?

I'm hoping that I can take some time over the next couple of weeks and try to evaluate how to move forward in my life and find a little more contentment.  I don't want to settle at all, but I don't want to never find that which brings happiness.

Can I just say that I really like talking with people who push me a little?  Validation is nice every once in a while, but the person who knows how to help you grow while still making you feel important and wonderful is a rare person.  And I really appreciate it - so thank you.

gracias por los Sam Edelmans

I've got a long day ahead of me with lots of people to visit and lots of food to eat, so I'm going to keep it succinct today (shocking!).

The older I get, the more cynical I become.  And I sort of hate that.  My culture has implanted this chip in me that keeps beeping because it's not been activated yet.  The "you're 24 and not married and not having babies what is wrong with you" beep of the "being the right kind of Mormon" chip.  We pretend that it doesn't exist, and everyone around me keeps insisting that I'm still so young.  And in a way they're right - but the chip is there.  It's a daily struggle to remind the chip that paths are unique and plans can change and people aren't meant to assimilate and grow at the same pace.

Last night we had a crisis at work (yes, it's just fashion, but businesses have to keep moving...) and while I was unwrapping article of clothing after article of clothing and trying to get ready for what will surely be complete madness tomorrow, I kept thinking of how strange it is to not be at home watching movies with family.

While that would be nice, I also thought of all of the things happening in my family, and with friends, and with people I don't even know, and I was humbled.  Severely humbled.

I have a job.  A really good one.  That pays well and fulfills me and allows me to grow as a human being and affords me the opportunity to interact with all sorts of individuals.  I have the job where you meet a person and two hours later you're hugging because you've become friends.

I have a car.  It's crappy at this point.  But it gets me from point a to point b, and since I'm planning to move to New York within the next two years (SURPRISE!), I'm a happy camper.

Have you ever seen my condo?  It's amazing!  Even better though are the girls inside of it.  Cassie and Chrisi have been unexpected and completely necessary blessings this year.  The truth is that I'd be really lonely and a recluse without them.

My family is unconventional, and my definition is almost assuredly different from yours.  But I've got my mom and my dad who bring such unique parenting styles to the table, and who I'm blessed to have.  My mom is a force to be reckoned with, and I wish all of you the best of luck if you run against her for office.  My dad has become famous on the second floor of Nordstrom (haven't told him this yet).  EVERYONE knows he's my dad, and they all love how often he comes to just give me a hug and say hi, but mostly they (and I) love how proud he is of me.  My brothers are so smart, and it's hard to live up to that, but they've become really great support in a way I couldn't have anticipated.  Most importantly, they married my favorite people in the world.

And why don't we talk about what makes my family so unconventional.  Like the Tanners.  My second family, as long as they'll continue to have me.  And Erika - my angel.  I risk becoming sappy when discussing what a miracle she is for me, but it is all sincere.

Finally I have faith, and I have a lot of it, and for whatever reason I've never lost it.  I was dating someone earlier this year and his family remarked on how surprised they were that I hadn't wavered in my faith because of the things that I've faced in my life.  This is my ultimate blessing and this is where I express the most gratitude.  Thank you to a loving God, who is truly a Father in Heaven who has always been there, even in the most uncertain, dark moments.  When others have been unavailable, He's been there.  It's not something I can express right now in writing - maybe someday I will find how to do such a thing - but the peace exists and I feel it daily.

I can be a snarky beast, but I know what is true - and that is that I am blessed profusely.

Thank you, readers, for visiting.  I hope you're feeling the gratitude as much as I am.  Happy Thanksgiving.

p.s. not so succinct after all.  also, no comments about the Natives in America who we basically stole food from in order to survive, but oh well.  another time!

la la la whatever.

Bears are sort of lucky.  They get to eat honey and get fat and be friends with Christopher Robin and sing songs in the Jungle and hibernate.  I don't love honey, and I'd rather stay how I am, and I'm not one for people named Robin/Robyn, but hibernating sounds quite pleasant.  Not the whole staying virtually asleep for however many months at a time it is - more like being able to still exist and live and be a part of society, but then feeling no guilt alongside your desire to spend your evenings by your lonesome.

What's so wrong with needing some alone time?

Right?

And just to cover my bases here, I do indeed like spending time with my friends.  I'm just tired and a little bit sad and a lot wanting to go be someone else for a little while.

Also, I'm pretty sure twitter has ruined my writing.  I'm probably going to say goodbye to it for an undecided amount of time.

mmmm.

lightning.  thunder.  beautiful music.  a lovely ending to a lovely weekend.

One time

The setting: Freshman year at BYU.  I'm living with Brooke, Maclaine, Michelle, Michelle, and Erin.  One day we are discussing how quickly we are all going to get married.  Everyone turns right to me and says I am bound to be first because I am such an insane flirt.  Naturally I must come back with something, but I have nothing.  Maybe they're right.  Maybe I'm going to get married next month.

A couple of weeks later, this conversation is still bugging me.  Am I really just going to snatch up the first boy I find?  [hint from 2011: he just got married to a cute girl who isn't me]  We are sitting in our lovely kitchen in Heritage Halls eating frozen Capri Suns when finally I state what's been on my mind.

"No way am I going to go first. I bet I'll be one of the last ones."

"First what, Jen?"

"To get married."

"You would be obsessing about that."

[yes, this conversation is paraphrased aka most likely not even close to what was said, but the idea is the same]

I then proceeded to tell them the order I thought we'd get married in [this part is not paraphrased].

Brooke, Michelle, Erin, Michelle, Maclaine, Jen.

One of our lovelies just got engaged.

The order everyone's gotten married in thus far?

Brooke, Michelle, Erin, and now Michelle.  Maclaine and I are the stalwarts.  Bet she's next.

Although, I think I win for most times ALMOST married.

every moment was so precious.

All of my bloggy friends have been doing updates on where they are currently in their lives.  I sort of feel like joining the herd.

1. Working at Nordstrom, in case you hadn't picked up on it or in case we aren't actually friends.  It's retail, but I think I'm going to stay forever.  Serious.  I absolutely adore it.

2. Living in SLC but moving back to Provo very, VERY soon.  Found a wonderful condo in a great area.  Stay tuned for more with that.

3. Made some remarkable friends this summer.  I'm not someone who makes friends easily - at least not in my definition of friendship, but for whatever reason I was placed in a group of truly great people and I've really loved getting to know them and growing to love them.  I'm so lucky.

4. Single and [drumroll] LOVING IT.  Serious!  Never thought I'd see the day, but I'm really enjoying dating and meeting people and not being in a relationship.  It was difficult at first, but I'm such a fan of it now.

5. Still baby hungry, which means I won't be single forever.

6. Eating a lot and not working out at all.  That needs to change.

7. Dancing Smooth and Standard with Mike McShinsky.  It's pretty wonderful, actually.  I'm so excited to keep progressing with this.  And wait till you see the dresses.

8. Eating Del Taco Funnel Cake Fries has brought me unprecedented happiness.

9. Went Back to Black today.

10. Have gel nails and I'm officially obsessed.

Basically, I live a dreamy existence.

hey guess what?!

The Universe answered and said, "C, C, and J - you deserve this place.  Have it.  Take it.  It's yours.  Now don't have sleepovers with boys."  To that I say thank you, and now I have another eensy teensy favor.

We've got an opening for one more roommate.  The place is gorgeous [she said not having actually seen it with her eyes] and there's going to be a ton of room and it's in a really great area if you're over the age of 22.

A few other incentives for you:

Roommate A is a nurse.  She can save you.

Roommate B works at Vivint.  She can hook you up with all the Sweet Bros you want.

Roommate C works at Nordstrom.  She can put things on hold for you and entice you with all the latest and greatest (and no, for the nth time, she can't give you a discount).

Also, it's fully furnished, lots of storage space (so I'm told - my one requirement for a place is that I have enough room for my shoes), and has two (TWO!) family rooms.  Parking, etc, etc.

You'll love it.  So call me.

One last incentive: I wear size 8 1/2-9 in shoes, a 27 in denim, and I can rhinestone whatever your heart desires.

want to know who I really am?

when the rain is blowing in your face and the whole world is on your case, I can offer you a warm embrace to make you feel my love.  when the evening shadows and the stars appear and there is no one that'll dry your tears, I could hold you for a million years to make you feel my love.  


I know you haven't made your mind up yet, but I will never do you wrong.  I've known it from the moment that we met.  no doubt in my mind where you belong.  I'd go hungry; I'd go black and blue.  I'd go crawling down the avenue.  know there's nothing that I wouldn't do to make you feel my love.  the storms are raging on the rolling sea, and on the highway of regret.  


the winds of change are blowing wild and free, you ain't seen nothing like me yet.  


I can make you happy, make your dreams come true.  nothing that I wouldn't do.  go to the ends of the earth for you to make you feel my love.


[bob really does say it best this time.]

edge of glory.

Summer of Dreams 2011 is continuing in fine fashion.  Bad Decisions Weekend was a great success, and let's face it, the supposed-bad-decisions that we made were actually really great decisions.  I'm so blessed, I don't even really know how to adequately express it.  The summer had a mild hiccup in the middle that was actually a crater of a hiccup in my life, and thankfully I've rekindled friendships and made new ones that are reminding me that God does indeed take care of us.  I always know that - it's just that during the darkest time of our struggles it's easy to wonder why He lets things happen.

Despite my contentedness, I still don't really understand.  Out of respect and privacy for the situation, I'm never going to give you the full details (sorry), but what I can say is that I really miss this person and I don't know why they are gone.  Other situations have found resolution and I feel comfortable enough with myself and the past to move forward happily, and hopefully as friends (whenever the other party is ready, I am too).  This particular friendship has been such a beautiful and rewarding one, and to have its endings still a complete mystery to me is a bit maddening.

Like I said above, God does take care of us.  And I don't get it.  But to my friend, you know that I love you unconditionally.  And I miss you.  And I'll always be here.

Readers, I sure hope you're having a great summer of friendship and family and fireworks.  If it's not, I hope you're at peace with why it's not.  Keep on fighting.  You'll get there.  And I'm here if you need someone.  Heaven knows I rely on all of you; the least I can do is be an empathetic ear every once in a while.