grow.

When I was 14 I was a teeny-tiny bean pole. Really long, lanky, skinny limbs, with a long neck and large head and not much else. While 15 I grew from 5'2" to 5'7". That sort of growth spurt hurts. You lose balance here and there because you're not used to your new-found height and your legs ache at night. But seven years later, I'm grateful for the growth spurt. I like having long legs. The little muscles aches were totally worth it.

As masochistic as it is, I've enjoyed looking through my experiences within the year 2009. All I can say is that nothing went as initially expected. It was a roller-coaster year, I relapsed to bad habits, I lost sight of my goals, I settled, and I even forgot who I was. Right around the middle of the year I made the most difficult decision I've had to make thus far in my short lifetime and in that instant, everything changed. Seven months ago I was at an extremely low point. I looked for validation from any source that would provide me with a little, regardless of its motives, and I sorted through a lot of options. Who was I going to be? What was I going to do? Where was I going to go? I've spent the greater part of the last seven months trying to figure all of this out.

The summer was spent justifying my feisty nature with my kind side (I actually do have one...amazing, right?), and making it marketable to men. There was this constant debate I had with myself--the kind of men I'm attracted to are turned off by my moxie, so do I pretend to not be head strong and ambitious in order to snag the guy I want? Or do I become one of those bitter 22+ single girls, annoyed that the men only want easy 19-year-olds?

Every great story has a turning point, a place where the lead character comes across a motivator that pushes them to realize their potential. For almost 2 years I wandered around trying to figure out who I was going to be and how I was going to achieve my goals while still fitting into someone else's life. June 2009 came along and I suddenly had the freedom to be my own person, independent of another's choices, but what was I going to choose? Believe me, my life is not a great story, but there certainly is a turning point.

The second week of July. Manhattan. I met someone who I enjoyed, but I didn't understand the significance. In turn, he enjoyed my personality, my conversational skills, my opinions, my goals, my aspirations, my likes, my loquaciousness. I had actually interacted with someone who enjoyed my personality for what it is--something I hadn't experienced in a long time. He actually liked me! As I said, I didn't understand how significant this was. In fact, I even blew him off when he came to Provo for a week or so. But that conversation I had with that guy set everything in motion.

I've ended friendships, started new ones, reconnected with lost ones, and rediscovered the confidence I had years ago. I've stood up to negativity, put my foot down, debated with a dance teacher over inconsistent policies, and redirected my energy and focus to that which is most important. A person told me during the summer that I had changed and he wasn't sure what to make of it. Back then I fought him on it--I had changed my relationship status and decided to have a good time, but I was still me. Now I realize that he was right and I'm grateful for the changes. They have been expansive and significant. They may not be noticeable to you, but I certainly feel them.

It's time for me to grow up. I'm leaving certain hobbies and activities behind for new experiences and I'm completely at peace with that. I'll be taking the GRE this summer and graduating next December. With luck, I'll begin my graduate work in a year. I have absolutely no idea how I'm going to make money in my field, but at least I am pursuing what I love and enjoy, restriction free. I'm willing to open up again, be vulnerable, and put everything out there. I have nothing to prove, only things to experience.

Sometimes it hurts to look back at the things I went through. We all have them. Those moments that make your heart hurt and your soul ache. Those experiences you often wish had turned out differently because of the pain they brought into your life. But I know that without those experiences, I would not be the person I am right now. I would not be working hard toward my goal of a PhD. I would not be focused on academics and a career. I would not be the confident, ambitious, strong woman that is so attractive to a certain individual I like. In summation, I had to be stripped of my faux self-esteem to find the real thing.

Peace out 2009. It was painful. And sometimes problematic. And in the end, perfect.

Here's to the unexpected.