Killing time before the temple opens.

This is one of those nights where crying doesn't solve the problem.  This is also one of those nights where I sit and I think, "really, God?  Really?!"

I'm not a perfect person, and I've made a lot of mistakes, and I feel like I've said this a MILLION times and I will keep saying it because it's true.

But right now?  At this time in my life?  I am doing the right things.  I've not said this bluntly, but here it is: I received my endowment a few weeks ago, not because I'm getting married, and not because I'm going on a mission, but because it was time.

And since that decision was made?



angst angst angst.



I read my scriptures.  I am consistently asking God to feel worthwhile.  I tell myself over, and over, and over that I just need to have faith, that I just need to fight through this.  That this will pass.

A friend suggested service, so I've been spending time that I don't have with people and organizations who need help.

I'm trying to develop thick skin, trying to learn how to deal with people who knowingly, and even unknowingly, say destructive things.  But I'm only human.

Many of us feel alone as we attempt to overcome life’s small frustrations and major disappointments. Of course, most of us can say that we know God loves his children. We can bear testimony to the principles of the gospel and the inspiration of our leaders. Yet it seems most difficult to feel that the Lord loves us personally and profoundly and that he acts upon that love to bless us, even in the seemingly insignificant details of our lives.

--Jeffrey  C. Jacob

I'm trying.  I really am.  I'm trying to have faith.  I'm trying to hang in there.  I'm trying to be there for my family and my friends and my dance partner and my teachers and myself and my nieces and my brothers and the people I don't even know.

I need it to be 7 a.m. so I can be inside the Provo temple, away from all of this.