gossip girls.

Nope, not this. The pageant kind.

[warning: this entry is full of parentheses. and I'm too lazy to edit it into a more enjoyable literary format. too bad. just call me smeyer.]

When I was 16 I had the most amazing experience of interning for Sean Hannity (side note: I should write about that one of these days) and on my last full day of work, he allowed me to be in charge of the Man on the Street segment (PS does anyone still have this clip? I'd love to have it), and then later had me come into the room with him and chat with people on air (my head still spins thinking about being the youngest intern out of 3 working at the time, and yet being one of the only interns to ever receive such a privilege). Essentially you have to go out into the streets of NY with with Sean on your cell phone and find people who will unknowingly make fools of themselves. One woman had such an experience and then proceeded to call me all sorts of names, and being the fragile, sometimes self-conscious teenager I was, I kept telling Sean how badly I felt for having to call her out on what she was saying. And then I received some of the best advice someone has ever given. He said (well, something to this effect), "Do you really think I care if everybody loves me? Why are you so worried about being liked by everyone? There are going to come times when people, for whatever reason, won't like you and you have to learn to be okay with that".

The reason I bring this up is because I made some close friends at Miss Utah this last year and every once in a while [read: it's happened twice] when we're hanging out or talking on the phone, I'll be informed of this rumor or that rumor, or of the gossip being spread. Essentially, I found out that someone I assumed had good feelings toward me in fact doesn't like me and is spreading innuendo.

All I can do is laugh. It's happened before. A girl that really didn't even know me told my then friend and now boyfriend of 2 years to stay away from me (thank goodness he straightened that out....and now she and I are friends). So here it is again (and how ironic that the thoughts are so similar, which leads me to wonder if someone else they have in common is saying such things, too), and the discovery that someone is defaming your character certainly hurts. And then I wonder what leads them to speak that way. And to say this to a friend of mine. Did I ever say anything mean about them in a public forum, or even privately to someone?

Truthfully, I have a very difficult time being fake and I have a difficult time being around those that are. If your attitude bothers me and if I sense a facade, I'm probably just going to quietly stay away, not to be rude, but to protect myself from negativity (especially since pageants can indeed be vicious environments if you surround yourself with one of the few bad apples). But it's still hard to not be *loved* by everybody (how vain of me). When you put in a concerted effort to make everyone feel good about themselves, it is difficult to hear the back biting gossip. But if my work in being genuine to everyone still rests in vain with 3 or 4 girls, I have to remember what Sean said. Not everyone will like me. I have to get over it. And take it with grace.

Yet another good lesson that is being learned.

so keep on calling me names, keep on, keep on.


[this might be the most controversial post I've ever posted that hasn't been shielded by the protection of my friends only blog restrictions. It's a very exposing feeling, taking chances with a public audience.]