.

sometimes it would be really awesome if my best friend didn't live in Bolivia.




won't do no good to hold no seance.  what's gone is gone and you can't bring it back around.  won't do no good to hold no searchlight.  you can't illuminate what time has anchored down.  honey, I've gone away.  won't do no good to sing no love song.  no sound could simulate the presence of a man.  won't do no good asking no questions.  your divination should acquaint you with the plan.  won't do no good to go no distance.  the space between is us as boundless as the dark.  won't do no good to throw no fists babe, you can't intimidate me back into your arms.  my feel for you boy is decaying in front of me like the carrion of a murdered prey.  and all I want is to save you honey, or the strength to walk away.

tristesse.

Remember that little gig I mentioned a few weeks back?  The one about ghost writing?

I think I might have been able to write something again that has purpose.  It's little and it's short and it's not even me, but then again, it kind of is as these four girls each have qualities I've stolen from myself.  But I love writing this one girl in particular because I can tap into who I wanted to be at one point in my life, and it reminds me that while I didn't become the stellar virtuoso I dreamed of being, I developed a few important skills and learned a few things that have quite literally saved me during some of my times of failure or despair.

Music is a powerful thing, my friends, and the study of it is even more of a testament to that.

Finally, I am blessed.  Sometimes confused, and often uncertain, but extraordinarily blessed.

fiona speaks truth.

so be it I'm your crowbar, if that's what I am so far, til you get out of this mess.  and I will pretend that I don't know of your sins until you are ready to confess but all the time, I'll know.  and you can use my skin to bury secrets in and I will settle you down.  and at my own suggestion I will ask no questions while I do my thing in the background, but all the time, I'll know.

baby, I can't help you out while [it's] still around.

so for the time being I'm being patient.  and amidst this bitterness, if you just consider this...even if it don't make sense all the time, give it time.  and when the crowd becomes your burden and you've early closed your curtain, I'll wait by the backstage door while you try to find the lines to speak your mind and pry it open hoping for an encore.

but if it gets too late for me to wait, and for you to find you love me and tell me so.

it's okay.

don't need to say it.

it's a problem.

Do you remember those good old days when myTunes existed?  Click on a person's library while AT the library, shift + scroll, click a button and BAM!  Entire Radiohead catalogue ripped into your music library.

Yeah, iTunes wised up and fixed that one.

But you can still access a person's music library when connected to the same network, and I find great joy and entertainment in viewing what other people enjoy listening to.  More specifically, I find great joy and entertainment in seeing things like Destiny's Child next to Dave Matthew's Band.

So in my time of procrastination here, I present a few automatic judgments I make about you and your worth as a person while viewing your musical library.

1. Country music is an automatic fail.  If you're a girl, and 18, and from Arizona, I'll give you some time to fix it.  If you're a boy, then I promise to only make out with you, but not actually date you (on a kind of related note that is only slightly off topic: this holds true for all of my recent hook-ups).
2. Jack Johnson and Jay-Z don't make a whole lot of sense, but I'll give you props for being well rounded.
3. Arcade Fire?  Ding ding ding we have a winner.
4. Classical anthology along the lines of "Best Classical Masterpieces" or "The Most Popular CLassics"?  Nice work.  You are on your way to having taste.
5. Classical that includes Prokofiev, Liszt, Bach, Dvorak, or Saint-Sëans?  You have my respect.


all that said, I have Nintendo songs.  I fail my own test. 

However, apparent love of either Rush, Genesis, or Rachmaninoff will save you.

since it matters.

since any of this matters.

okay, now that I've made the case to ignore me and my thoughts...

more foo.

happy day.

.

God bless the child who is weary in soul.  God bless the child who is broken and bruised.  God bless the child who just wants to be good.

whatever makes you happy.

Fiction sucks.  Nonfiction is sooooooo much better.  And I am a bundle of many, many emotions.

One would assume that the writing process would benefit from my bi-polar mood.

One would assume that.

But one would also assume other things about me, and well... those things don't actually happen because I'm just not what I could be.

I blame this on all of the music I've been using to force some sort of inspired work.  Uninspired.  And depressing.  Crap.

on content.

Who do you think my audience is?  Who do I  think my audience is?  Certainly not 12-year-olds.  Certainly not high school students.  If you're here, you know me personally, or you found a link from a friend who knows me personally.  Chances are very high that you are 18 or older.  As such, I have no qualms with writing the way that I do, about what I do, and for whom I do.  Regular readers know that sometimes I use profanity.  I'm not going to justify it, so don't ask me to.  Regular readers know that I talk about things that are uncomfortable, like feminism, or sex scandals, or stupid things that stupid people do.  Regular readers know that I have no problem with watching a film that is rated R if it has artistic merit. 

I wasn't going to even respond to this, because I truly do not believe that I have any apology to make, but we talk about this consistently in my classes, so why not mention it here?

There are things that I read that might appall some of you.  The content, the language, the plot development, the choices the characters make - it's kind of messy sometimes.  There are some movies that I watch that some of you don't wish to see because of the rating.  I'm okay with that.  And I don't feel all that judged... most of the time.  And I don't feel that I need to hide my choices.

I was raised to NOT play with face cards, to NOT watch rated R movies, to NOT do anything on Sunday that didn't involve a church video.  My parents were and are good parents.  My regular viewing of material that my mom would certainly NOT approve of is not a rebellion, and it's not just to be defiant.  It's not because I want to experience the filth of the world.  It's because sometimes life is messy, just as in literature, and in my major (and therefore my life) I study things that are messy.  It's how I make sense of the world.  Any film teacher on campus will tell you that it is very difficult to find a really well made movie that is not rated R.  But an R rating does not necessarily make a film inappropriate or bad.

Finally, I want to be a film critic.  That means watching things I might not want to watch.  It also means I'll be afforded the opportunity to critique gratuitous content.  Maybe even help change the industry.

But I don't need to prove myself to any individual who asks me a question on Formspring.  I'm not mad; not even really annoyed.  It just reminds me that there are people in this world who are uncomfortable with the truth: life is, predominately, not a church film.  I study artistic representations of life.  The Formspring question referred specifically to my positive critique of Black Swan.  If you would like, I have an edited version that I made for my friends who wanted to watch it.  It's only missing about 4 minutes, but it gets rid of a lesbian sex scene (which doesn't include ANY nudity, by the way), and a couple of scenes that I felt were maybe uncomfortable.  But do I consider them necessary to the film?  Absolutely.  This film was about a person's descent into artistic madness, and included in that was her sexual understanding, so yeah... they had purpose.  Does that mean I like watching it?  No.  Does that mean I watch those scenes every time I watch the movie?  NO.  Does that mean the movie is worthless?  Does it mean I am not worthy of a temple recommend?

Absolutely not.

The person (who I am mildly convinced is my mother) asked how I reconcile my hypocrisy.  God knows my heart.  He knows my reasons.  He knows why I do what I do.  I'm an imperfect person, and I don't always make all of the right choices, but to imply that my testimony is misguided because of my choice of profession is wrong, and certainly not Christ-like.  If you don't like the movies that I watch, then don't read my reviews.  If you don't like my partaking of such inappropriate media, then we probably shouldn't be friends.  Partially because I don't like close-minded people and mostly because I don't like people who think they can cast guiltless and blameless stones.

But again, my relationship with Jesus and God is my personal, private relationship.  I'm not watching pornography.  I'm not watching people hack each other to bits.  I'm watching things that pertain to the human condition, things that push me to act to make the world a better place.  I'm trying to be like Jesus.  What are you trying to do?

reason #23498 Whitney loves me

in case you haven't noticed, Whitney and I have what some might call an unhealthy obsession with each other.  I think it's just fine.  We're bffs in the literal sense - we la la la love hanging every night.  We often have random dance parties - usually also every night.

We like to switch back and forth on music choices - hers tends to be Latin or Lady Gaga and mine tends to be...well...AWESOME.

For example.

Anytime we get bored of what we're listening to, I say, "ooooh!  I've got one!"

Yeah, I put on David Bowie's As the World Falls Down EVERY SINGLE TIME.

One day she'll learn :)

p.s. you mock and you die.  I want that to be my wedding song and NO I AM NOT KIDDING.

problematique

Muse was good.  Why?

+Matthew Bellamy is a classical pianist.
+They're total prog rock, which I love unconditionally (that means you, Queen).
+They don't talk much.  Shut up and play is exactly right.
+They play extremely well.  A lot of hipsters are anti Muse, but I'd take Muse's growing popularity over hipster crooners who are only good in studio.  I love a band that sounds better live.
+Plug in Baby.
+Sam, Jared, Joanna, new friend Stacey, Ryan, and Emily.  Great company.
+who doesn't want to smell like cheap weed?

drawbacks:
-not enough piano.  no Chopin.  no pseudo-Rachmaninoff interlude.  Wuss.
-Jolly Green Giant in front of me who had hair like a Loreal commercial, only sweatier because you're worth it.
-it was snowing as we ran from car to venue, and then venue to car.
-no Jansen.
-No Butterflies and Hurricanes. 
-Blonde woman of questionable morals (this is for you, Whitney and Samantha) bearing a striking resemblance to the older sister of a boy I lived on the same street as in high school.  Let's just say she wanted her male companion to enjoy the song Supermassive Black Hole.  Could it be her?  After all, her look-a-like is in her thirties and I thought she was married with kids but..... After a little bit of investigation, all signs point to it actually being her, which probably makes this less of a drawback and more of an awesome find.

fun night, right?

it was.

I have fallen victim to a popular problem at BYU: lack of academic freedom.  This, along with the impending doom I have upon me in two of my classes has left me extremely disheartened this morning.  Complete it with a blistering headache and the realization that six weeks is a really long time and my concert high is gone.

sometimes.

you need a little bit of Damien Rice melancholy.  It helps me to love.