stop hating on Utah!

Forbes has it together....

Thanksgiving may be over.

But I can't help but literally give thanks today.  My heart and my mind are extremely full and focused today and all I can do is express gratitude to a loving God in Heaven who watches out for His children and who enables us to keep going, to keep fighting through life's more challenging events.  I feel so stupid; I'm sitting here in the library and I'm fighting back tears because I don't want to appear to be either 1. Really PMSy, or 2. Overwhelmed by Latin literature.

Instead I am overwhelmed in how I do not actually feel overwhelmed with school.  These last two weeks of school are hard, especially considering the last 6 weeks that I've had.  It's required a lot more strength than I sometimes felt that I had and today is a really successful, wonderful day.  I'm thankful for teachers who are my friends.  I'm thankful for my friends.  I'm thankful for my family.  I'm thankful for prayer and for inspiration.

Mostly I'm just thankful that as an aspiring academic, I am at peace with needing someone else, needing faith, and needing God.  Not very many academics are okay with such a distinctive need, and with placing trust in something so... invisible.  But today is evidence that He is NOT invisible.

So yes, I may be crying because I'm in the library, studying, getting through my to-do list.  But I'm also crying because I'm growing spiritually and I think the reason I've grown so much is because of the fires I sat in for about 6 weeks.

How's that for perspective?

what we did for family night.

why that loss ticks me off.

Drew will be the first person to tell you that I do not always stand behind BYU blindly.  When they're playing well, I cheer and love it.  When they're playing like crap, I acknowledge that they're playing like crap.

Today, BYU did NOT play like crap.  BYU stepped it up and put together a game we haven't seen all season, against a team that should have walked all over us.

Nope, Robert Anae lost that game for us.

Let's not even get started on the faulty call from the refs when there was INDISPUTABLE EVIDENCE.  )(*&(*^% Officials.

Now everyone is going to say, "hardy har har BYU you choked again".

No!  We didn't!  We came through!  This is ALL on Anae.

UGGGGHHHHHHH I'm PIIIIIIISSSSSSSEEEEEEDDDDDDDDD.

mucho mucho mucho

A best friend who introduces me to things like this and who keeps me grounded.  She's more than my best friend; she's my sister and I don't know what I would do without her.  Have bad fashion sense?  Listen to David Bowie all the time?  Never know how to make whipped cream?  Whitney M. Tanner >>>>> You.

A really sweet dad who loves and cares about me and never fails to hug me at every moment possible.  My dad >>>>>> You.

A sister-in-law who is more like a sister (at least that's what I claim her as).  She's often my partner in crime in the silly things we get to do and she also co-reproduced one of the cutest babies I've ever seen.  Mandy - I hate that you live so far away but I love that we're really good texters.  Mandy >>>>> You.

A mother who can fill in for my radio show when I'm not there.  True, her opinion doesn't coincide with mine quite often, but this woman is tough stuff and is well spoken.  Cherilyn's on Fire is >>>>> You.

Stuff that will remain anonymous (and no, it's nothing illegal - jeez).  Stuff - you know what you are, and you know what you've done for me, and you will probably continue doing wonderful things for me.  Keep up the good work, Stuff.  Stuff >>>>> No Stuff.

Damien Rice, Angus and Julia Stone, Depeche Mode, The Decembrists, Jason Walker, Sounds Under Radio, et. al.  You guys have kept me thoroughly sad and happy at the same time and that's exactly what I've needed for the last 18 months. Sad, emo, slit-my-wrists-as-I-love-being-in-your-presence-music >>>>> Justin Bieber.  And maybe You.

David Bowie.  I may not have a man to marry, but when I do, you'll be there, too - in song.  David Bowie is definitely >>>> Everything except God and religion.

The Internet.  You are my boyfriend, in a non-inappropriate sort of way.  The Internet is only kind of >>>>> than Al Gore.

The Tanner family.  My second family.  The family I get along with better (because duh, it's easier to be nice to people you're not sealed to... right?).  The people who are teaching me to cook and be a normal person and clean without Clorox wipes.  Wayne, Leslie, and Crew >>>>> Any random roommates I could have ended up with in Timp Gateway (except maybe you, Sam).

Babies.  You make me happy.  You make me do stupid things.  You make me laugh when you barf on me.  You keep me from vowing a life of celibacy and a life without men.  Babies >>>>> No babies.  Duh.  Just go watch Children of Men.

The Spanish language.  I like swearing in Spanish.  Spanish swear words >>>>>> English swear words.  Oh, you also make everything else sound so much better.  English suuuuucks.

Dead animals.  You have kept me fed.  Dead animals in my belly are >>>>> than live animals in my belly.

My stepparents.  You keep my parents happy, you make me laugh, you make me cry, you are often far more rational than my parents.  I'm lucky to have you.  Margaret and Randy >>>>> I probably shouldn't fill in this one.

Erika.  One day I'm going to write a song about you being the propeller to my boat, the gas to my car, the wind beneath my wings.  Something like that.  Erika >>>> You.

My dance partner and his wife.  They're just really cool people and I like them.  She has amazing fashion sense and he has made me a better dancer.  They're also smart and NORMAL.  The Nelson's >>>>> BDC.  And me.

OhNoTheyDidnt.  Please.  Nothing else needs to be said.  ONTD >>>>> All other gossip sites.

SWF.  I've actually never written about you before, but you thought I had, so I figured I'd give you that benefit.  I'm becoming bitter which sucks a little, but hey, at least you're still >>>>> AIDS.

This song.  I've listened to it.  A lot.  A lot a lot.  So much that I've started wearing my headphones so Whitney can't hear how many times I press repeat.  This version of this song >>>> other songs that act as inspiration for me.

MoTab Christmas Music.  Nuf Said.  >>>>> All music in this universe.  Except David Bowie.

Blogger.  You've fed my narcissism in a way my camera couldn't.  Blogger isn't >>>> Wordpress, but that's okay.

YOU.  Commenters, haters, friends, stalkers, family, strangers, lurkers, etc.  You keep me going more than you know.  I probably don't love each of you, but I love each of you that visit.  Comment, don't comment.  Whatever.  But I'd love to start reading your blog - so lets be friends, yes?  You Reading My Blog >>>>>> You not reading my blog.

In all seriousness, I'm blessed.  And I could keep going.  For a very, very long time.  So let's just put it this way - God is good, and God has been good to me. 

There are many things I'm going to list, but I'll save that for later.

First - how in the world do I have the intense dreams that I have?  And where do they come from?  And can I start picking and choosing which ones I have?  Because I don't want a repeat of last night...

to the merry thief.

Congratulations.  You found a way to steal my fantastic jewelry that I made myself, along with my friend Jaime, of J. Nico.  Good for you.  Unfortunately for you, it was a bad idea to do such a thing.  Let me outline it for you.

1. I'm filing a police report.
2. Those pieces are one-of-a-kind.
3. A continuation of 2: if you're seen wearing them, you will be caught.
4. The ballroom world is a small one, especially for me.
5. I'm good friends with a LOT of photographers and they will be alerted.
6. I'm also good friends with some professionals, and I will have them be on the look-out as well.
7. I'm smarter than I look.

Here's the thing, if you return them to me now, I won't press any charges.  If you contact me soon, nothing bad is going to happen.  Also, I recognize that sometimes mistakes are made and sometimes we pick up the wrong things.

Remember: there's no possible way you can wear or sell these pieces (2 rhinestone cuffs, one fatty rhinestone necklace, and 2 white crepe arm gauntlets) without people recognizing them.  So do as Dr. Laura says, and go do the right thing.

E-mail me at jen.gulbrandsen@gmail.com

fin.

For some reason the stupid pill I took to help me sleep isn't working, which is only slightly annoying, but I've been staring at this silly box for over an hour.  Sometimes it would get little characters typed into it, but they have all been erased because they all SUCK.  Everything that seems the most fitting to say just doesn't fit here.  There are so many things I wish to express and they WON'T COME OUT.

I turned on Christmas music hoping that would help.

It didn't.

This isn't writer's block because I churned out three papers today.  I want to blame this on Henry James - every time I write something, I begin analyzing it from every angle: marxist, post-modern, queer theory... uuuuugggghhhhh.  But it isn't poor Señor James' fault he was stuck in the wrong century and has now forced all of those repressed feelings upon all of us.

At the end of this paragraph.... I just suck.

However, remember all of these mildly emo posts I've had talking about fighting and getting through stuff and making it okay (on the first try, I typed making out... hmmmm, that would be nice)?  There might be some more of that, but probably not for a while.  While I'm not making out with anyone right now (and haven't been for AGES), I am "making it okay".  In fact, I'm actually doing well.

Dare I say that I'm getting closure?  I'm going to be able to move on now.  After so long, I can finally let go of all of that pain.  And I think I can get back to living and maybe even loving the way I want to.  Part of that closure is being okay with the knowledge that I'll always remember what it felt like to spend that season of my life with that person - and here, at two in the morning, it almost feels liberating.

One day my kids are going to make fun of my ebbs and flows and the constant ups and downs.  But the difference between you and your "consistency" and me and my bi-polar tendencies is that I document them and you forget them. 

Just you wait until my memoirs when I actually start using names and faces with all of these not-so-subtle references.

Completely unrelated: don't you hate it when you see a great pair of shoes and then realize that they're made by Jessica Simpson?  It's like being told there's no Santa Claus again.

living, somehow.

Last week was stressful and hectic and wonderful and exhausting.  But again - wonderful.  I managed to pull through something really frustrating while staying focused on the competition.  We did well and we enjoyed dancing, but there's a lot of work still to be done.  This week is catch-up week: school, life, friends, mostly just school.

But good things are happening, and fighting isn't as difficult as it was a couple of weeks ago.  Besides, I get to be with some of my favorite people in the happiest place on earth for three entire days.  What could be better?

It helps take the sting away from those you trust letting you down - thank goodness for sweet nieces who remind me to be better.

I keep this moment by and by

It's okay for things take time to work.  It's okay to freak out and shut down and sleep a lot.  It's okay to need a little bit of extra help to get through a particular mound of work and frustration.

Maybe it's because Andrew and I had the best practice we could have asked for tonight.  Maybe it's because my dresses are going to look absolutely incredible, thanks to Ms. Jamie Gines and Mr. Seth Jeppeson {And lots and lots of stoning by yours truly.  About 6,000, if we're looking at numbers).  Maybe it's because I decided that November 9 is exactly the right day to listen to Christmas music.  Maybe it's because I'm going to Disneyland in 10 days with some of my favorite people in this world.  Maybe it's because I'm orange and smell like self-tanner.  Maybe it's because I really, really, really like my spanish class.  Maybe it's because K-Dawg is my Dance 260 teacher.  Maybe it's because my nails are long enough to not need fake nails for a ballroom competition.  Maybe it's because our show is getting good response and I love having an hour to debate politics on the radio.  Maybe it's because I almost completely biffed it on that super slick floor today in practice, but luckily have a really strong man for a partner.  Maybe it's because that magical thing that makes me suddenly insecure and excited, and yet also happens to relieve me of my jaded view on relationships and love is happening again.  Maybe it's because I got into the cap class that is strictly about artistic criticism.  Maybe it's because it snowed, and while I don't love the cold all the time, I love getting to wear coats and I love the smell of snow.  Maybe it's because I can recommend Gilmore Girls episodes using the season and episode number because I'm OBSESSED.  Maybe it's because I've got Jude Law on my mind.  Maybe it's because I'm tempted to count how many times I've used the phrase "maybe it's because..." in this particular entry.

Or maybe it's because I have to give my life's philosophy credit to John Mayer of all people.

He has it so right.

We're either going to be up or we're going to be down, but we appreciate those moments for what they are, because they prepare us for the next moment in the cycle.  And that's how it should be.

I'm not together, but I'm getting there.

Hey Ballroom Ladies

Yeah yeah yeah... I'm doing what every other ballroom person is doing: I'm offering services.

BUT.

I'm offering services most don't offer.

You may or may not know this about me, but I love makeup.  I lalalalove makeup.  Eye shadow, lip stick, lip gloss, blush, eye liner, etc.  While I might not wear a lot of stuff on my face in terms of foundation or powder (I hate that stuff), I go all out with my eyes and lips.  Why?  Well, it's fun!  Also, I enjoy creating different looks for different occasions: school, work, dance parties, costumes, ballroom, pageants, dates, etc.

The first time I had a ballroom competition, my makeup was pretty bad.  I looked around at what the other novice girls were doing, and I copied it.  Essentially, I was trying too hard.  Later, in different competitions, I started incorporating the things I had learned about highlighting and showcasing your best facial features on stage and for pageants.  Rather than throw on intense amounts of WHATEVER, I began crafting each look that would compliment my costume, as well as helping me to stand out in that massive crowd.

A word on the importance of makeup: I know people say your costuming doesn't matter, your hair doesn't matter, your makeup doesn't matter, that it's your dancing that matters.

Yes, your dancing matters.  But a lot of us are on the same level and how are the judges going to differentiate between us?  Take two couples with similar style and ability, the judges are going to pick the couple that looks more professional.  The couple whose appearance is completely together.

Many girls who ballroom dance glob on the bright white eye shadow around some purple or blue color, thinking that if blue matches their eyes or their dress, that will tie it in and the white will make their eyes stand out.  They then use either bright red, or black, or nude lips without considering the entire look.  Many go overboard with the eyeliner.

Bottom line: you want to stand out, but you want to look beautiful.  Frankly, you don't want to look like a hot mess with tranny makeup.

I'm not the end-all in ballroom makeup: my makeup comes from a different view.  But if you'd like, I'd be happy to do yours for the November competition this week.  My only request is that you bring your own makeup and you put on your own eyelashes because I have a hard enough time putting them on myself.

15$ for full makeup; 10$ for eyes only.

And finally, let my work speak for itself.  I've included photos from ballroom competitions, costume parties, and pageants.  It's all the same principle: looking your very best, and highlighting your unique features that set you apart from all of the other competitors.

irony is...

My mom called me borderline anorexic (completely serious) while I was talking to her on the phone last night.  What was I doing?  I was eating chocolate, pizza, and drinking Dr. Pepper.

Hmmmmmm.

Something doesn't seem to fit with that picture.

I'm gonna say amen to this one.

Thur-ur-ur-ursday

Show day!

Casey and I are going to be doing an election wrap-up, talking about the things we liked, the things we disliked, and the things that will probably make no difference whatsoever.

Tune in to AM 630 KTLK, or at k-talk.com at 2 p.m. for the best election perspective you could hope for - the perspective of those who are inheriting the choices made by all these politicking individuals who were voted in.

Don't miss it.

I stole this from S. Hunter

today's a gorgeous day.

And life is good.

Sunday was a good day.

Elder Hales spoke to our stake today in a special conference and it was probably the most powerful talk I've experienced.  It was the sort of thing where I was in so dark of a place, his words and message penetrated me at that place where I have no choice; because of his talk, I know that I can do this.  In many ways it was an answer to prayer and it is enabling me to keep fighting.  Additionally, I've never understood what people mean when they say that they can feel the prayers being said in their behalf.

This weekend, I don't know which of you have been praying, but I'm pretty sure some of you have been, because I have felt strength pushing me forward, strength that is working independently of any earthly means.  I know that God is there and I am so thankful for the friends who are looking out for me.

Meanwhile, I've put myself out there again, and if I get knocked down like I'm scared that I'm going to, well... I guess I'll just have to fight through that, too.  I'm praying for some clarity, and I do think I made the right choice (for once!!), but I'm not the only choice with a say here.

I'm trying to trust the Lord and take leaps of faith.  I've been waiting for the net to catch me, but well, that's not really a leap of faith, is it?  Not if you can see it.  And as Elder Hales spoke on, I need to have faith and trust in myself.  I need to love myself.  How else can I trust God if I don't remember my divinity and purpose?

But still, I have a little plea: give me a chance.  I can't deal with anymore "what ifs".

Tune in for the Saturday show!

That's right. They have given us another hour to chat about politics. And we even have a guest! The current Miss Utah, Christina Lowe is in studio with us. We will be talking about the importance of the youth vote in this election and what we can do to be involved.

Today, Saturday, at NOON. AM 630 or ktalk.com!

We also might be looking at the connections between Russia, Afghanistan, and pot. Yup. Don't miss it!

perhaps.

Maybe I will be okay.  I'm fighting.  I'm currently sort of losing, but I think I could win tomorrow.  And I might be able to win on Saturday.  Hopefully on Sunday, too.

People have good and bad traits, but there are positives and negatives to both.  I bring my own baggage, but I promise you that the good things I have to offer are far better than my silly idiosyncrasies, and you just need to give me a chance.  When all of this is over, I just want to experience joy - but as Amy reminded me, the joy is a lot sweeter when you fight out of the darkness.

To those of you who are struggling: I may not be specific, and you may not be specific, and we may not give a name to that which haunts us, but let's fight, yes?

Welcome

to the new readers from Chicago and ... New Zealand?

In a time when I feel like I don't make a lot of choices that lead to pride, I'm proud of the sort of hits I get here every day, and without advertising.  Well, there's shameless promotion on my facebook page, but uhhh... does that count?  Okay, I guess it does.

Regardless.

Welcome.

Enjoy.

And remember: I don't ever claim be to right.  I'm trying to figure it all out, probably just like you.