forever and a day.

Happy 700th post to me and the bloggy blog blog named after me.  When I signed into blogger yesterday (a rare occurrence; I'm traditionally signed in automatically) I noticed that I have 699 posts - so I refrained from posting just anything.  No wish list for a bikini or a book.  No stupid celebrity gossip found through ontd (although, I am managing to convince certain people of its legitimacy...).  No picture of a pretty person wearing something pretty.

No.

This merits something better.

Right?

Perhaps I could answer what are surely some intriguing questions, but when do I ever really do things like that anyway?

No.

Instead I'm going to tell you a story about a girl who really liked using Mozilla Firefox as her browser.

For continuity, let's call this girl Jen.  She's a fake dark-brunette, with eyes that change color from blue to green, and a serious over-worrier-complex (she'll probably always dye her hair dark brown and her eyes will probably always change color, but she's trying to change that worry-turns-whoa-anxiety-because-she's-dumb thing).  For years she's used Firefox.  It had a nifty name and a nifty little fox design and nifty people seemed to use it.  It's not that it was a bad switch from Safari, and it's not like she really had any desire to become computer proficient or anything, and it suited her needs.  The bookmarks bar was nice and the updates weren't too frequent and despite what some people say, orange and blue actually do look quite nice together, particularly with the pretty silver settings she had enabled in her browser.

Then came this thing called Chrome.  It comes from Google, which she more or less has zero reason to dislike, but it has a name that makes her think of yellow H2s (do they even make Hummers anymore?) and everyone who uses Chrome talks about HOW MUCH BETTER IT IS THAN EVERYTHING ELSE.

She tends to stay away from things that are so insanely revered, unless they have Steve Jobs' stamp of approval on them (just protecting my interests here), because people who espouse these ideas of complete product dominance are often the people who think FroYo isn't a fad and who love their idealistic, Ron Paul bumper stickers.

In other words, these zealous users live in a world that she doesn't live in.  A world where donuts won't ever be the next fad (long live donuts) and where Ron Paul is electable.

Here's the thing: this has probably been an unfair assumption.  I assume a lot of things.  And we all know what they say about people who assume things. As a part of my growing into a legitimate adult (with the emphasized inflection placed on the 'a'), I'm trying to give people and places and ideas and yes, even emotionally-detached browsers a chance.

For example, I'm currently listening to Justin Bieber.  And I'm liking it.  A lot.  Until four days ago, the only Bieber song I knew was that formerly-obnoxious-turned-summer-jam Baby.  And now I'm loving this U Smile song and Brad is totally right about Eenie Meenie and Love Me has a line from a Cardigans song and holy smokes, I can emotionally connect to Overboard and That Should Be Me.  Not my proudest moment, believe me.  But like I said, trying to grow here (also needed upbeat music to get me through pulling weeds).

I'm opening up to GOP possibilities and I'm not completely repulsed by everybody.

So maybe there's something to a little change now and then.  Unfortunately I'm the worst person at changing.  I find a routine, I maintain it, and I never.let.it.go.  It has to be pulled, kicking and screaming with claws scratching at the skin.  I've made turkey sandwiches the same way for six years.  My makeup has been organized in the exact same fashion for six years.  I've had the same cool-down routine at the gym for six years.

I've been chasing certain dreams for six years, unwilling to let go or move on even when every sign has pointed in the other direction.  It's not that I'm willfully obstinant; hopefully my personality is not a result of oppositional forces pushing me to always be different from what was expected.  For whatever reason I've not felt fulfilled in that area, and so I had to keep on moving.  But at some point it became about the sense of fulfillment rather than the genuine need or desire.

Changing is difficult for me because I want to be the most authentic person I can be, and that's not always easy when you're trying to stabilize who you're going to be known as for the rest of your life.  I wish I had been more prepared for how hard my early-twenties were going to be.  Glass half-empty, I'm indecisive and unable to let any option go.  Glass half-full, I have more opportunities than I know what to do with, a resume that I'm really proud of, and experiences that lend to some sweet stories.

At what point do these opportunities and plans and activities become distractions from what's really important?  And why am I so scared to move forward?

Jumping isn't something I like doing.  It took Jen two months after downloading Chrome to install it on her computer.  And then a few days before she actually opened it.  Then another little while before setting in some bookmarks.

She's still getting used to it, but it's not a bad change.  Maybe it is faster.  Maybe it's better.  Maybe she won't notice any difference at all.

Just taking baby steps at growing.

For those of you who are scratching your heads, wondering why in the world I'm doing what I'm doing, just remember that life is complicated, but every once in a while you're placed in a situation that provides extraordinary clarity.  Forks unify into one pathway, and it's not dark or frightening, but just what is right.

I'm in repair here, always trying to be a better person.  The most important things to me are my God and my relationships with my family and loved ones.  Sometimes those need to take charge, and you know what?  It's been a change, but not a hard one.

In fact... I'm really excited about what the recent changes are enabling me to do.

That chapter is closed, and now to work on the next chapter.  Improving sensitivity, or how Jen needs to stop being so freaking sensitive.