run.

Do you have a special time, place, or groove that gets your heart moving and your mind racing? My dad once told me that some nights, he'll wake up around 2 or 3 and will instantly know the solution to a pressing problem in either work or personal life. If you know my mother, then you know that her mind NEVER stops moving, it's amazing that she even sleeps.

The past few weeks have been stressful, at best. School was overwhelming, pressing decisions were overwhelming, everything was just overwhelming, and to top it off I seemed to have a constant migraine and the insomnia was obnoxiously persistent. When life becomes too much to handle, at least you have sleep to help work off some of the frustration, but even that wasn't possible and I felt like I was losing my mind. Nothing is more frustrating than losing complete control of that which is so instinctual.

Enough was enough. After a really good cry spell from frustration, I needed a shot of perspective and I needed it fast. I laced up my shoes, grabbed my iPod, filled my water bottle with ice, and willed myself to the gym. It had been 3 weeks and I simply did not feel like doing anything active, but I knew that if anything, sweating my frustration out couldn't hurt. The first mile was pure, unadulterated torture. My muscles and tendons weren't having any of it, my breathing, or lack thereof, truly laughable. I pushed myself for another mile at a depressingly slow pace of the 10-minute mile and hated myself for losing the easy 4 mile workout I had had only a few weeks previously. But as I was doing my potentially embarrassing stretches (I confess, I adore the funny looks I get while doing the splits--sort of a, "HA, you only wish you could contort your body into such ridiculous positions for sheer pain's sake), I noticed that frustration turn to a bit of accomplishment. It had been days since I felt any sort of pride in myself...I had done something hard for my current state and it felt GOOD.

Over the next couple of weeks I gradually pushed myself back to acceptable shape (I also started sleeping again, are they related? Who knows) and a few days ago, I had an "a-ha" moment.

I was at the beginning of my daily run (p.s. Thank you Jill Stevens for turning me to glucosamine-my previously achy-to-the-point-of-not-being-able-to-run knees worship you), music blaring in my ears, and I felt this incredible surge of happiness. My long legs make me a naturally capable runner, but the first mile has always been tough for me. However, I was at .37 miles and already my pace had been established. My breathing easy and my stride extremely long, I took pride in the bounce and pause between each step. This wasn't painful, as running tends to be, but psychotically fun! Muse's latest, Black Holes and Revelations controlled my steps, the beat motivating each drop to the moving cable.

Some people hate the monotony of running. I crave the freedom from conscious thought. It cleanses the mind. For the next thirty minutes, my mind ran with my body. Thoughts and ideas popped up so rapidly, I was scared I would forget and lose them. Like I said, some people are at their most creative in the wee hours of the morning. Apparently I'm at my most creative while killing my knees. Platform ideas surged in, talent ideas surfaced, entire blogs wrote themselves in a matter of minutes, and problems found solutions. Finally, a level of understanding I've thirsted and desired for. And all because of a good run. That time on the treadmill is now some of my most precious and sacred. By tuning out the rest of the world, focusing on my breathing, and pushing my heart and mind I am able to find a level of zen that keeps me going. With each pounding step and leap, I can break apart negative energy.

Music choice is extremely important in my runs. Some days I need some anger to motivate me. Other days I need creativity. Most days I just need a rocking beat. Without fail I sprint the last half-mile, and if I'm feeling brave, the full mile. I turn up my sound to a dangerous level that will probably cause my pre-mature hearing loss, and I turn on a song with a powerful, driving, fast, and pounding beat. Two days ago it was Muse's Knight's of Cydonia, the day before it was Queen's Don't Stop Me Now. Yesterday was Incubus' Pardon Me. And then I RUN.

And in that last 30 seconds of gasping, choking, and pure pain, I reach unparalleled exhilaration. You've heard it described as a runner's high. I call it bliss. Knowing that I pushed myself to an unearthly place and then pushed even more past my limit gives me such hope. Even when I think I've reached the end and can't go on, I remember that there's still a bit of oxygen left, that if I reach into the depths of my soul, heart, and lungs, I can prove my own body wrong.

That is why I run.

the killer legs don't hurt :p