I had a crazy dream.

I was 15 again. The dream began with our move to Provo, the summer before my sophomore year of high school. My first day in Utah, I drove to The Dance Club and spoke with the directors about trying out for a company and taking classes. It moved quickly to the fall, where I had enrolled in my regular classes as well as dancing on the ballroom team. In a quick blur, I was working hard academically as well as dancing my little tail off (oh and how much littler it was!). I had a 10-dance partner and when I wasn't dancing, I was performing in the musicals. Fast forward--I had tried out for and made the BYU Youth team beginning my Junior year of high school. I was on A Cappella and writing for the school paper. More dancing. More singing. I then competed at Miss Teen Utah. A Sean Hannity internship was thrown in and I was assertive with that boy I had pined after for so long. The girl going through her senior year of high school was so confident and happy. She had a good relationship with both parents, even if things were difficult between the two of them. She worked hard, was smart, loved writing as much as dancing, and had the occasional lesson with Yoshie. Most importantly, she never, ever, EVER dyed her hair blonde.

Toward the end of the dream, I was facing graduation with a future complete with a dance scholarship, a spot on the Back-Up team, and a myriad of possible majors to explore. Not only did I compete at the national pageant, but later I met a bunch of fun people on the team, one in particular that was cute and funny and sweet and positively dashing. The dream ended when auditioning for the Blackpool team, prepping my paperwork for my first Miss Utah local.

It was eerie, waking up from that dream. Even more eerie is how detailed it was and how much I remember it. I can still smell each smell from different parts of my supposed life. Most frustrating is that I know my life could have been so different IF ONLY.

if only if only if only if only.

I'm desperately sad. Why couldn't it have been real? I want to go back. I want to make this my past. Or is it present? Or future? I'm at a crossroads because I'm out of time. I missed all of it. I still believe that I would know the people that I know, I would probably still be friends with my friends. Who knows, if that really had been my past, I would have been on team with Cameron.

How pathetic is it that I'm trying to believe that if I pray hard enough, I'll be able to go back?

I don't want to live my entire life regretting all of those if only's.